All Apologies
Nirvana
We had a chance to see them on the In Utero tour. We were staying in Seattle the first week of January and would have to find scalpers, because the two shows were already sold out. This was before we had iPhones, before StubHub, before internet. Tickets were going for $100 + each. A big deal back then. Like dropping $500 a ticket now.
Annie and I were on our winter honeymoon that took us out of LA and up the west coast. We went all over the northwest. We saw sacred Twin Peaks locations for free and stayed at the Great Northern. 😭 We went into Canada. It was the best trip and it eventually influenced us moving out here.
But that first week in January, we were staying right across the street from the Seattle Center Arena — the venue Nirvana was playing.
It's hard to believe money was the deal breaker now, because we were so close! We could’ve walked over. But we were still in college and each dollar was allocated. Film school was pricey and basic living expenses loomed large for us back home in Pasadena. Even purchasing CD’s was something I had to reign-in at that time. Up to that point, I found a way to buy the music and DVD’s I wanted. Used record stores were in every city and I scoured them for deals.
The previous ten years, I’d seen so many concerts — both in the Bay Area and Southern California. Any chance to see an artist I loved, I would generally find a way to go. But Nirvana in Seattle might be the first concert I missed because of money. And it wouldn’t be the last.
Kurt Cobain was dead two months later.
I played IN UTERO so much the previous four months, that it helped define that creative time in my life. It’s what it sounded like, because I was feeling free and excited. I was focussed and felt like I had unlimited creative energy. I can’t hear this song without thinking of KROQ and driving our beat up Corolla on the 210 from Temple City to campus. I was ravenous to write and direct movies and I felt fearless. At least at first I did. I had so much belief that the doors would eventually swing wide open. I was confident, but I was still myself — nice to a fault, introverted, easy to get along with. But I was naive and had so much to learn. Over the next decade, I would learn. Lessons about fear and doubt and perserverance. I also learned about disillusionment and how this town operated. It wasn’t always nice.
One of my first student projects at Art Center College of Design was a cinematography assignment — a 16 mm reel of film shot on a Bolex. I chose to make a music video for a thunderous track on IN UTERO called Very Ape. Shot on a sound stage with my friend John. What fun to remember.
But it’s this song that transcends for me. A gorgeous, confounding, mysterious track with an addictive riff — bass, guitar, drums. Kurt’s great vocal. Quiet, loud, quiet.
In the sun, in the sun.
I feel as one.
We tend to think we’re special when we’re young. Invincible even — with our whole lives in front of us.
All in all is all we are.
I used to see this as a grim lyric, but now I don’t. We are all in this together, but we are still each special and unique. Even when I’m consumed by existential thoughts, I still believe this. Because this life is as brilliant and perfect as it is cruel.
Kurt was special. I love reading his old interviews. He wasn’t perfect but he was one of a kind.
I remember when I found out. I was on campus, in the library with my friend Phil. It felt so heavy that I couldn’t hold it or wrap my mind around the news. All us film students stumbled around in a daze that day connected by his death. The next time I experienced a collective shock like this was 9/11.
